...9

a birthday that ends with a 9. I have the blah's, despite a glorious inaugural sauna by the creek last night with husband and child, and then also the landlord. cold water, wet brown alder leaves and moss under bare feet, tea lights marking the way, plywood floor, towel pinched in the door to keep the drafts out, cedar bough to splash water onto the stove, metal glowing red, naked boy child squatting down out of the heat, my skin itching with layers of crud detaching themselves, sweat, steam, cold creek, night, firelight. I haven't felt this clean in years. Clean all the way through. F and I had a popcorn dinner, lots of butter and after the sauna he fell asleep on me on the sofa by the woodstove, hand on boob, under a string of mini lights. I eased him aside, not ready for sleep, read Anne Frank's Diary for an hour and then had horrific dreams. A text at 6:59 am from Ellen at the ranch, for my birthday. some men from the past sent greetings, both using the word "thee". Not any of The Men, too consequential or meaningful? I wrapped and packaged some special stones that felix is gifting his preschool friend, made a dirtbag breakfast, stuffed felix into various winter and waterproof layers, had some power struggles, felt bad after. This morning no cake baked (mint dandelion, for a herbalist's birthday) nothing done in the house, didn't even walk in the (rare) sun. I am deflated. I did practice the fiddle, first inside then briefly out on the deck and within minutes the sound was boggy from the high humidity. I have no lunch packed, I am stuck. I parked at the beach look out on the way home from preschool drop off (done in felt slip ons) watched a seal swim past and a ferry way out there and then vancouver island even further, listened to op-eds on the politics of south america. nightly calls to unit 1 east in the hospital in which I was born, to see how mike is doing, still no angiogram. I bought myself an apple press yesterday and an air purifier. I'm almost 40 and have no underwear left that's not so saggy it's falling off me. I've been bloating again. I feel very unsexy. Very almost 40.