baby testosterone

"baby testosterone" my mother noticed during our video call with her this morning, her parked in front of a midieval walled city in portugal and me telling felix for the third time in as many minutes to please stop banging the table while we were chatting. The phrase stuck with me for the day but also the noticing of his energy, very ...male today, and how it triggered me more or confused me or left me searching for parenting and connecting tools that I usually don't have to search for. I couldn't get through to him, I lost the thread, I told him to take a time out and it backfired, I got hit frequently or he ignored me, or made himself as small as possible to get away from my words or simply plugged his ears while I was talking. Confusing because he's also in a phase right now of telling me he loves me about a hundred times a day, sometimes once a minute. I thought I was onto a good idea when I tried making happy roaring sounds, exloring safe loudness but he didn't want that at all. Probably to do with the times he's seen me come very unhinged at his father. Very regrettable. I experienced a moment of pure animal panic, prey - brain stem - fight or flight - adrenaline panic when he launched himself onto my back as I was planting some tronchuda, (which is fairly normal felix behaviour) but then wouldn't let go when I annoyedly said no. It happened so lightning fast and suddenly my body thought I was in very mortal danger and I flung him off as hard as I could and he landed in a kale plant and I had a very emotional reaction as a female when a male doesn't respect 'no' and uses his body to trap or restrict. Especially with arms around the neck. After a minute alone, I explained to him over the nasturtiums that even though he has a small body now, one day he would be a big strong man and he could use that strength for danger or for safety but to always be aware of that choice, especially around women and especially when they say no. He may not understand now but I'm hoping he'll remember later. After he spent a half hour running shirtless and barefoot into the empty garlic patch and flinging himself at a deep pit he had dug there a couple months ago, he seemed a bit more balanced. He came up to me and apologized for whipping me with a stick and for being rude. He asked me how he could help. We planted the rest of the tronchuda together like a team and I thought maybe all hope isn't lost. Maybe he's not the total narcissist I see in action when he is with other kids who are quieter or smaller than him. I don't know how to express that baby testosterone in healthy ways, other than throwing firewood and risky play and digging manure out of a barn and I don't even know if all those are testosterone based. A part of me thinks I should ask a professional but that doesn't seem like the right answer, the organic solution. Ask the community. Bring him to wise older men. Educate myself. I've been having conversations with a bear. It's a particularily large black one, who, every morning now, lounges under the apple tree, lazily scratching itself while eating fallen fruit. He stood and looked very unimpressed at me when I came out and explained how his actions were impacting my juicing plans, looked at the tree, looked up the driveway, looked at me and sat down like a dog, with an audible sigh, still holding eye contact. C'mon lady, don't be such a hard ass. I half heartedly sent a few rocks in his direction with the slingshot that hangs by the bearspray inside the door, and he ran off, but when we got home that day, the tree was bare. He was back today, multiple times and in between bear appearances, I harvested the remaining apples, being generous with the fallen ones. Before I mow the lawn next, I will have to go around the yard and scoop bear poo as if we had a dog. They're enormous piles and felix finds them very amusing.