out with the old

Suddenly I was in desperate need of an urgent and drastic haircut. It had to go. Long hair doesn't look good when there's hardly any of it left on one's head. My signature milkmaid's braids do was still sweet but otherwise I had stickfigure hair - a few straight lines on either side. It was coming out in bunches. So I stayed late at my mama's after work and she worked her magic, I wore her haircutting cape, the one she's had my whole life, with the very tight neck and a bars and stars design, we listened to old german folktales and she gave me a princess diana, early 90's very short bob. I look like her when she was a mom to a 5 year old. It feels glorious and new and symbolic and fresh and independent. Out with the old. In with the strong neck and jawline. In with the strong boundaries, creativity, courage and capability. I see my husband tomorrow for the first time in 8 months. Yesterday I became a parent who had to explain to their child that their father will be living somewhere else but loves them very much no matter what. Felix has been squealing with excitement to see Hamish again. I am feeling quite calm, knowing that it will get messy but not how exactly, but grateful for the current respectful tone between us. Knowing that he may smell just right when we hug, that he will be just the right height for that hug, knowing that I want to pretend he's the perfect version of himself, that sobriety alone was the answer, now let's dance that two step in the kitchen I've been dancing without you. Trying to not let my guard down but also let love in. I just don't want to ever again get called a stupid bitch by someone I woke up beside, whose laundry I've handwashed and whose bills I've paid and whose doctors appointments I've booked. My father has charged me with finding him a vehicle, in Edmonton. He's given me two days and I have a certain sympathy with the queen in Rumpelstilskin. Tonight, felix carried sleeping up to bed, I lit the fire and ate dark chocolate sea salt ice cream (to boost morale) while researching best and worst years, recalls, consumer reports on vehicles I would never before have taken a second glance at. Ugly suv's, vehicles out of my price range and taste, what he really needs is me there, family, help, someone to drive him to see these cars, to encourage or discuss or dissuade. He's incredibly gullible, old and politically incorrect.