one month out

It's been a month since we saw our Papa. I don't hear from him for a week at a time and I've stopped banging at his proverbial door. I offered to deal with his taxes but he didn't answer me and so they're late. I urged him to get acupuncture while he's waiting for bloodwork and ultrasounds - me still trying to nudge him into positive change. There's been one phone call in which he told me he's now totally dry, (since three days), and that he plans to do his counselling while back home. I placed my boundary again and the call degenerated. It's a surefire litmus test: if he claims I am banishing him, or hurting him, or if he's sending me videos that supposedly explain how he feels, then I know he's still the same and hasn't scratched the surface yet. That victim piece runs so deep, the not being good enough and I think it's at the heart of the adhd and the addictions. Not having had anyone to show him how to regulate emotion too, but this shrinking away, no, running away shrieking!, from responsibility or even just showing up and being present.... Felix has started missing him fiercely. I wonder how long this will go on, this break. It is so nice, just really nice, to have a home that now always feel safe and steady and calm. I don't know if I can come back from that, ever give that up. But felix needs a father and if said father shows up sober and in recovery, I have to hold up my end of the deal. The bears are out, and wildlife is everywhere, snakes, seals, otters, sea lions, deer, swallows, bats. My now finally-retired-at-80 father flew over for four days and it was the nicest visit, calm, relaxed. I gave him a taste of the wonders of the internet, fiddler on the roof videos and a documentary on Ghengis Khan and youtubes on how to get from helsinki airport to city center. Felix and him bonded over ants and ice cream, Robert made nazi jokes, my mother and him spent half a day together with their grandson, we placed flowers on a bench in Lund for a man who was like a son to mike. The energy this April has been palpable. I don't remember the fruit trees having this many blooms last year, our sheep are friendlier, the two resident bats now have names (Grempin and Grolo), the weather's been glorious, I am more relaxed, and energetic. There's that word again, nice. Stick and leaf boats on a makeshift miniature lake. Phone calls from my father late at night, thinking of me. felix rockhopping at the beach. Frog chorus, garden salads, once in a while, a whole day to myself.